April 29
Change . . .
Well, the time has come to move on from Provo. Everyone seems to be asking if I am sad, nervous, excited, etc. And while I am sad that I will not see the same friends all the time and excited to be doing something that I love, I have not felt that much different lately. Why? Getting an MBA seems like it should be a big milestone, why do I not feel more turmoil? Especially when I am moving to Kentucky with so many unknowns?
As I've thought about it, I've begun to realize that there are 2 sides to all of the feelings that people expect me to have. There is sorrow and despair, anticipation and anxiety, seeking and doubting. When someone has asked me what I feel, I typically scan for those negative aspects: despair, anxiety, doubt. Those I haven't found. There is a one-word answer as to why: trust. The fact that I know that at some point I'll see my friends again. That even if I don't I know that their love has changed me. That the Lord will always provide me with the people that I need in my life. The knowledge that I am on the path that the Lord would have me be on, and that even when I'm stupid the Lord will guide me if I seek His hand. Above all, knowing that He will never change even when the world seems to disappear around me.
March 11
To Endure
Something that I've been thinking of a lot lately is what it means to endure. I think when we all first hear the word we cringe. We imagine some torture that makes our skin crawl and during which we will have to clench our teeth and try to think of anything but the pain. And, in fact, enduring sometimes does require pain. But it's more than just survival. It means to trust and move on.
I think the hardest things to endure are the times when we have righteous desires and it seems like we should be blessed with them and we are not. When we desire things that are good, it is hard to not dwell on why we don't have them or to demand from God that we receive them. And yet, the Lord asks that we simply trust and move on. That we move on in the direction that the Lord would have us go, being engaged in His work and not simply waiting for the blessings that we think we should have. Enduring well is to say "Thy will be done" and do even those things that require us to sacrifice all. Not just to do them, but to willingly walk in the path that he would prepare for us - to give up the desire to have what we want. To be willing to accept the absence of those blessings if it is required in this life.
I think about all the people who give up so much. Those who are born with disabilities, who have given up most of the experiences that we cherish from this life. Those who are required to serve in different ways and perhaps will not receive the blessings of family in this life. I must be willing to trust the Lord's path and move on - take the next step with faith and engagement in His cause rather than my own.
February 05
February 05
This life is amazing
Have you ever felt like you had no idea what you were doing or where you were going? I used to think that if I was living right than I would always know all the answers. Now I realize that sometimes the answer is to have patience - to learn to trust in the Lord and His power to change me and my life. I continue to be amazed at the answers that He does give me. His power to show me the way is amazing. But more so now than ever I am amazed at the power that I find when He doesn't just give me the answers. When He doesn't just show me the way at once, I have found a part of His power that I hadn't experienced. I have found that He can sustain me even as I can't see the path ahead, even when there is pain.
Lately I have had a lot of experiences teaching me that this life is a time of sacrifice. Even when we want something good we may be asked to sacrifice it. And usually what we are asked to sacrifice is the thing that we want the most, or the greatest fear that we have. For some they may be asked to sacrifice their desire for justice by forgiving a great hurt and injury done to them. For others they may be asked to sacrifice their desire to have companionship and a family. But the greatest part of sacrifice that I think I've learned is that sacrifice doesn't always mean you won't receive the blessing in this life. Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son. As he laid Isaac on the altar, I am sure the questions raced through his mind. How could he receive his promised posterity if he killed his son? Did this mean that the promise did not apply to this life but to the next? How could God ask him to do something that appeared so senseless and wrong? And yet, he did not doubt the power of God. he knew that with God nothing is impossible. But he understood that to receive that power he must sacrifice what the Lord asked - that which was dearest to him. He raised his hand to slay his son. I think that is one of the most profound events in the history of mankind. With no reason but that the Lord asked it of him, and plenty of reasons to doubt, Abraham submitted his will to God's.
With Abraham the Lord stopped him and did not require the actual sacrifice of his son. The Lord may do the same in my life. One of my greatest desires is to have a family and a companion. The Lord is asking me to sacrifice that desire. Now this doesn't mean that I won't necessarily receive that blessing. But he is asking that I be willing to go without it if that is what He requires of me. The question is not whether I will receive a family in this life - the greater question is am I willing to give it up if that is what the Lord requires? He may do as He did with Abraham and fulfill His promise literally in this life; He may do as He did with Abinadi and require a quite literal sacrifice. Either way, I must first offer the true sacrifice: my heart and my will. Once I sacrifice this, what actually happens in my life will be irrelevant because I will receive every blessing that is promised in the Lord's time.
So, the question remains: am I willing to sacrifice my greatest desire?
October 02
Starting my space - Why Truth and Light?
Many might ask why I would call my space "Truth and Light". Well, that's a good question. Is it because I think I have all the answers? No. Then why?
Because these are the keys to happiness in my life. "I am the way, the truth and the life" . . . "the light of the world" - these statements are not merely a statement of religion or belief for me in my life. It is only in and through Christ that I can be who I need to be. And it is only by obtaining truth and light in our lives that we can see the world clearly. No matter what the religious belief, we are all seeking for truth. Truth is a knowledge of things as they really are, were and are to come. In other words, truth is the ability to see the world clearly without the biases of an imperfect mortal world.
Who am I? I hope that at the end of every day I can simply say that I have been who I meant to be - a child of God and disciple of truth, of Christ. If I can truly BE and not just believe then I will consider my life a success.
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