Conflict

Have you ever stepped back and said "this is not my life!"?? Sometimes it seems like so many things that you thought lay on your path are just so far away. But a lot of times those are the moments when I also just seem to see myself and my life from another, bigger perspective. When the clouds seem to part and I just SEE. I don't know a better way to describe it.

It's easy to sit down and wonder why I'm spending my days planning to lay people off or struggling to lead people to change. Why couldn't I be spending them taking care of children and having the chance to love and care for a family? Or if I have to spend my days working, why don't I just focus on getting the sexiest, most prestigious job I can where I can travel all over the globe and have lots of "cool" experiences? It's so easy to think I need to go towards one or the other. But the truth is, the area of conflict in the middle, where I seem to live eternally, is where I prove who I want to be and learn who I am.

I guess it's just about seeing continually that this life really is about proving who I am and whether I truly believe my Father. We talked about nurturing faith to perfect knowledge in church today. Those moments when I see are the moments of perfect knowledge, and sometimes they can last for a while. But the challenge comes when the clouds move in and it seems like everything I thought I knew isn't clear - because what I expected didn't happen or simply because I feel pain. That is when my faith has to again arise and lead me to see again.

I went to Mackinac Island yesterday with some friends. The island became a summer resort for the very rich in the early 19th century. People spent their days playing croquet, riding around the island, having tea, etc. It made me wonder what life would be like if all I had to do was socialize and be proper. I think sometimes we imagined the "rest" after this life somewhat like that. But then I think about when I am happiest - when I see who the Lord is and am working in His behalf. I just have to be willing to wait for Him to make me more as I follow and learn.

I don't know if that makes sense; but I am so grateful for the seed and word that does swell within the heart when we learn truth and know the love of God for us. Nothing else fills me as that does. Nothing else can make me feel whole as that does, even when I don't have everything that I wanted.