Sharing Our Lives

So, this is one of the reasons I love having a porch to sit on in the Michigan summer.

I have been thinking a lot about sharing lately. How do i teach Blake to share? Why is it hard to share? What does it mean to share?

So, if you start with the dictionary, it has a couple of definitions that present a dilemma:

1. To divide and parcel out in shares; apportion.

2. To participate in, use, enjoy, or experience jointly or in turns.

The more I think about it, the more it seems that our difficulty with sharing comes from which definition we use.

The first definition seems to be based on the assumption that if I have something, you cannot have it.  What's mine is mine and what's yours is yours.  If I have less, you have more.  Sometimes it seems like this is what a child struggles with the most in sharing; once someone else picks up a toy, that means that I can't use it (even if I was playing with a different toy).  It's this restriction on the ability to use it that is so difficult to understand and accept.  Of course, this might be the difficulty for us as adults, too.  Do we struggle with other people asking us to do things because this means that we can't use the time for what we want to use it for? Do we envy the status or attention that others get because it means that we can't have that status or attention? Do we focus on the "fairness" of responsibilities, trials, resources, etc that seem to be spread out amongst those that we know?  Do others do things that affect our ability to be happy and feel loved?

It seems like our culture teaches us to be concerned with the fairness of our "share". Do the work and you'll get good grades.  Work hard and you'll achieve the "American Dream".  Perform well and you'll get promotions.  Obey the commandments and you will prosper.

Lately I've been realizing more and more that our definition and understanding of sharing is inextricably linked to our understanding of that last one: "obey and prosper".

The second definition brings up a few things that I have recently recognized. Sharing can be participating, using, enjoying and experiencing something TOGETHER with someone else.  If I view sharing as sharing experience and life with someone, my perspective and behaviors change.  Instead of focusing on what others do that limits or affects my share of happiness or experience, I can focus on how I am creating experience with those around me.  For example, we have lots of conversations that go something like this:

ME: It's just that when you did that, I felt . . . .
OTHER: Well I didn't mean to make you feel that. I was just thinking . . .
ME: I know, but it still made me feel . . .

Sometimes it seems we go round and round in expressing and/or venting how we feel.  And even done lovingly, it hasn't always seemed productive other than for letting go of hurt feelings.  But it hasn't created something different.  Maybe this is because in this case my sharing was for the purpose of telling someone they hurt my ability to be happy and to not do it again.

This doesn't always work because we are different people and our preferences are different. With different preferences, the view of sharing that says we take turns seems to suggest that we take turns being happy and being hurt.

But if I focus on creating experience and sharing experience with someone, it changes the way the conversation could go:

ME: It's just that when you did that, I felt . . .
OTHER: Well I didn't mean to make you feel that.  I was just thinking . . .
ME: So how can we do it differently?  You want X and sometimes I need Y, so is there a way to do both?

Without fail, it leads to changes of behavior for both of us.  Now, it's tempting to say that we are really not getting what we want or getting our SHARE of happiness.  But, what I've found is that our new behaviors lead us to an INCREASED SHARE of happiness together versus the same old SHARE of happiness we had alone.  That doesn't mean it's easy.  But, vale la pena.

OK, so this has turned into a little bit of behavioral theory.  What do you expect?

In the end, it changes the way I view sharing and the way I understand "obey and prosper".  Prosperity becomes more of who I am and what I have together with someone else, rather than what is mine alone.  And sharing experience, sharing life and creating more through that sharing becomes the way to get there.  Maybe that is why the two great commandments are to love God and to love others.

Because love is really what needs to be at the heart of sharing.  I guess that's what I need to teach Blake and to live myself.  Let's share our lives together!