AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

So, I knew that turning 30 was a big deal for some people but I never thought it would be for me. After all, I struggled for a couple years after my mission with where my life was, but I eventually realized that the Lord had other plans for me and was ok with it. So, I have been surprised that I have been having a little bit of a hard time the past couple weeks. Intellectually I know it's really no different. Even in my heart I know that the Lord is taking me down the path I need to go.

But there is a part of me that is struggling to be ok with where my life is. Not that I'm not happy. The Lord has given me amazing opportunities and the chance to do things that I love. And I have plans to move forward, to get my PhD and be able to do almost anything I want to do. So why have I felt a little sad? I'm not completely sure. I think part of it is not having visible milestones in front of me, while at the same time I am not where I thought I would be when I was 30. There is a certain amount of fear that comes . . . "Is this what the rest of my life will be like?". I thought I was ok with this being the path of my life, whatever the Lord thought I needed. But I'm sure that in the back of my mind there was still a time limit placed on it. I don't think I ever truly arrived at being ok if this really were the rest of my life.

So, there you have it. Am I ok on the path I've chosen for the rest of my life if need be? A tough question. But, I think the answer is yes. Yes because I know this is the path the Lord has indicated. Yes because there are so many ways He blesses me and allows me to use and enrich my talents. Yes because there are so many opportunities to love those around me. Yes because He will be there no matter what the path is.

I don't know what I would do without Him - He is the light and life - He brings light when it seems easy to let the darkness overwhelm me.

So, I'm sure I will still struggle and have moments of doubt. But, I like something from a talk by Pres Benson

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity,” he told them, “I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.”2

Paul’s message to this new body of Saints was simple and direct: Nothing you do makes much of a difference if you do not have charity. You can speak with tongues, have the gift of prophecy, understand all mysteries, and possess all knowledge; even if you have the faith to move mountains, without charity it won’t profit you at all

Somehow, the path that He has me on is to teach me to have charity. For God is love, and I am here to learn to be as He is. The comfort is that no matter where my life goes, He will always help me learn to love and be filled with the pure love of Christ.