What will I Feel?

Well, sorry it's been a while since I wrote. Things have been crazy as usual down here in Kentucky in the midst of Negotiations and all the other chaos. I have had to recognize both that I am weak and that anything is possible, with God.

There are so many moments and so many ways that the adversary tempts me to seek comfort in escaping life and not living and using the blessings and talents that I have. He always tempts to focus on what I feel and what I want rather than where I should go and who I should be. Even more than that, he attempts to distract from what I can feel in my heart.

It's strange when we think of life we think of all the range of emotions that we experience and the things we feel. Yet so many times we seek refuge in the hidden corners of life where we can hide from the pains and the disappointments. Yet in the moment when we feel pain or disappointment we can still choose. We can choose to give our hearts to Him - He is the Comforter not because He solves my problems but because He understands them. And no matter what I choose to do or say, what really matters is what I choose to feel, whether I allow His light to permeate me. And if I choose to let it in, the actions and strength I really want will follow.

I don't know where He is going to take me. I have always thought that if I just obeyed and followed he would lead me to the path I wanted to find. I don't know if I'll find the path of family and motherhood in this life, but I have realized that the desire, hope, love, pain and hunger all make me alive - alive in the joy of who I can be and the strength to take me there. But I must choose to feel His love and His love will open my eyes to see clearly as things really are. How are they? He has blessed me to be able to teach, to lift others, to understand and clarify the vision of reality, to love and to be a force of good. He has given me family that I would do anything for, parents who would do anything to help even if they don't know how, sisters and brother who love without judgment and friends who see me. I don't have my family but I have love; I don't have a love but I know what it should be; I haven't found it but He gives me the strength to ache for it. The aching means I'm alive. It means I can love those I know now.

I haven't found out yet when I am going back to Michigan, but I know it will be a special chance - to be with my parents as they start a new phase in life; to see my sister and brother and their kids grow and know them as more than a visiting novelty. Above all I think of this as my time to feel even more - no matter what life brings.